The mind ramblings of a young man grown old: Clean as a squid ..... my arse .... what a load of .....

Thursday, 10 March 2016

Clean as a squid ..... my arse .... what a load of .....

...... shite

Adverts can be very marmite ..... unless the advert is about Marmite of course..... but some adverts are just far too contrived .... I realise that's sort of the point of an advert ... but really .... It's the Andrex advert that get's up my nose at the moment ....

It starts out with .... we asked a number of people to try the Andrex® Clean Routine .......

Now my routine is very easy .....

remove lower garments to remove any impediment to the required act
sit arse on toilet seat
evacuate
wipe arse
wash hands
re-position lower garments

[but note, the time frame between process' 2, 3 & 4 can vary depending upon whether you take your iPhone in the bog with you or not]

But anyway what the fucking hell is the Andrex® Clean Routine .... I wondered .... so I googled it ......

Can you believe that someone at ...... or on behalf of Andrex has managed to write a 20 page dossier on how to go for a shit ...... don't believe me ? well you too can read the Andrex® Clean Routine here:

How to wipe your arse in one very long lesson

So returning to their telly advert, they decided that 2 sure fire ways to get us to buy their product is by using cute kids and a cute puppy ......

And there we have it, the embarrassed teacher when asked how clean her bottom [teachers don't swear] is and she is unable to tell us, instead hiding her face in faux shame ..... does this mean she doesn't bother to check how clean her ars.....ach erm bottom is, after visiting the rest room ..... but then comes the pièce de résistance ..... wheel in the kids .....

We start out with the cute girls and then come the cute boys, with one ultimately declaring that his arse is clean as a squid.... we are meant to believe this is all spontaneous and not scripted at all ...... of course it isn't spontaneous and instead it is merely the words of an adult transplanted into the body of a child to speak .....

If they really really wanted us to believe that it was a truely random and spontaneous answer from squid child ..... I suspect that the real response of a boy that age would go like this ......

Teacher: So Jamie, after you have been to the toilet for number two's, how clean do you think your bottom is once you have wiped it ?

Jamie: ..... looks at teacher ..... then places hand down back of his trousers ..... removes hand .... puts it to his nose and then presses it towards the teacher and asks ..... does that smell like shit to you miss ?

I rest my case ...... further at the end of the advert we are shown the cute little labrador dog .... having all fawned at squid child we are then left to go aaaaww at the loverly little puppy ......

When I was a kid, we had a labrador dog and one of my chores was to walk him each morning before I went to school..... the one thing you can be sure about a labrador is..... he needs his morning constitution ...... and having completed his oblutions one thing he never did ..... was to wipe his arse with Andrex ..... There is no doubt that a labrador's arse after his daily work out was never as clean as a squid .... in fact the only thing it was clean as was .... well ...... a labradors arse I suppose ..... so why oh why ...... do they insist on using a creature that does not / cannot wipe it's arse [unless it drags it along the floor as some are seen to do, but that is for an entirely different reason] to promote shit paper ? In my experience dog's arses are probably the least clean.... especially with all that fur ....

I rest my case once more .....

Now if Andrex .... or those who make the adverts on their behalf were to turn it completely on it's head ..... literally and follow Haribo .... by putting the words of children in to the mouths of adults ........ they might be onto some thing .....

If there is one advert on the telly to make me smile very loudly ........
then it is surely the haribo adverts ....