Wednesday 4 May 2016

First it was Andrex revenge ..... now it's incontinence....

..... when the UPS envelope arrived I knew instantly what it was ..... having signed for it and closed the door ...... I so wanted to jump and down, and squeal excitedly like a teenage girl ..... but the staff were looking at me ..... when one person then declared ..... ere boss what's that large wet stain that has appeared on your trousers....

I looked them square on and bold as brass declared that ...... I had pissed my pants with excitement .....

Turning the clock back to 1980 ..... in fact to be precise it was 24th March 1980 and I was in Ras Al Khaima awaiting to join the Mv British Tweed .....

Here she is traversing the Firth of Forth ....


I've done that run a few times, 
who knows I might have been on her
when this photo was taken....

But back in March 1980, she was heading south down the Persian Gulf and I was getting used to the heat of the Middle Eastern desert. At the tender age of 17 years old, this was a whole new world for me .... and at that time Dubai was not the skyscraper theme park it has become today ..... back then it was nothing more than an oasis in the desert ..... literally .....

Once on board the Tweed, and we were New Zealand bound .... but the thing about being on a tramper [and oh how I love a good tramp] you very rarely knew what ports were coming next.

But as we navigated through the Tasmanian Sea, orders came through .......... after New Zealand we were to sail to Singapore for dry dock.

At this point I must declare that as a navigating apprentice, to hear over the tannoy that we would head out to Singapore for dry dock ..... came across the tannoy as .... brilliant news boys .... 2 weeks full expenses paid holiday in Singapore .... oh and we'll bung in some beer money as well .....

So there it was, we off loaded our cargo of petrol to New Zealand and headed out back north across the equator, with a 4 day slow steam through the great barrier reef ..... a whole new world really was opening up before me .... seeing flying fish for the first time .... or even wondering what the fuck was that luminous haze on the night time waves.... on seeing both of these phenomenon I felt too much at risk of being deemed a knob, I dare not ask ..... but sure enough, it was flying fish ..... I discovered this one morning when I found the lifeless body of one on the deck ..... flew a bit too far me thinks.... and the luminous haze ? ..... Bioluminescent phytoplankton ..... I could have been on another planet ....

As it so happened..... this was a trip of a life time, especially considering this was only my 2nd ship .... on that trip, I also visited amongst other places Japan, China, Yemen, through the Suez Canal ......  these were just names I had seen on a map in school geography lessons less than a year past .... and now I was seeing them for real.....

But Singapore was something else..... by 1980 a lot of slum cleansing had taken place..... and the Singapore I visited was not the Singapore that survived the 2nd world war..... but in fact the Singapore I visited 5 years ago was not the Singapore I visited in 1980 but one thing never changes ..... the humidity and the aroma ....

Also in 1980 we were on the cusp of the electronic age .... we didn't have sat nav in daily lives [can you believe we were still using a 1731 invention..... the sextant..... to navigate by the stars], mobile phones were just a figment of Star Trek ..... but Singapore had tomorrows gadgets at bugger all prices ..... in 1980 it also still had Bugis Street, and the Friday night dance of the flaming arseholes ..... you had to be careful not to end up with a Kai Tais either ..... I was more of tiger beer man me sen.

There was something else about Singapore .... bootleg music tapes .... at 50p a shot there was all the latest titles ..... I even brought Elvis Costello ~ Get Hapty ...... that was the only downside..... plenty of spelling mistakes, and sometimes not even the correct track listings.... but who cared.... they were 50p ......

And that is when I bought my first Iggy Pop album ...... New Values ..... that was it .... I was now an Iggy Pop fan ..... 1980 and still am ...... a particular track from that album which is a favourite ....


.... and so winding the clock forward to the present day, and I am stood in the office with piss dribbling down my leg .....

and here's why .....



My Iggy Pop ticket had arrived ...... after all these years I am going to see the god like Iggy Pop ..... he must rank as probably the prettiest ugly person that ever walked this planet ...

In fact given what happened to that other god like creature, David Bowie .... it's amazing that Iggy Pop has lasted this long ..... my best mate saw Iggy Pop at Eric's club when he was still at school [my best mate not Iggy .... my best mate is now 52yrs old] and Iggy was on stage singing, and then David Bowie joined him [Iggy .... not my best mate] to play the piano .... and Iggy jumped up and down and promptly knocked him sen out by hitting the ceiling.... Can't see that happening at the Albert Hall, especially the Bowie attendance ......

But the last Album that Iggy has done with Josh Homme [lead singer of the great Queens of the Stoneage] appears to be Iggy's swansong [literally] and for sure the last we are likely to see him gigging on these shores [by his own admission in a recent BBC interview] ...... oh gosh I do hope he makes it until 13th May ..... we've lost a lot of talent so far this year .... so hang in there Iggy ..... we're rooting for ya .....

How about this true classic Iggy offering .... I'm looking forward to seeing this performed




I also have a significant worry about my ticket, in that the divorce lawyer confirms all assets are to be split equally ..... I am so not giving up my seat half way through the concert ..... ! she can have the car, the kids, the dogs .... even the house ..... but not my Iggy ticket ....... stay strong Iggy .... stay strong .....