... my eldest brother a few days after our fathers funeral ..... I thought it was a bit harsh at the time .......
In January of this year I wrote about Pam, and how it came to be that her Son and Husband came to tell me she had been ill ...... since then I have seen Pam and we've had some loverly chats remembering the good moments in our respective time together ..... but she never once felt sorry for her self .... in fact we didn't really talk about her illness .......
Over the May bank holiday weekend I received word she had moved to a local hospice. I went to see David on the Sunday, he was stoic, but you could tell he was hurting. Last Wednesday, after speaking to David on the phone in the morning, I went to see Pam in the afternoon. As I walked down the hall of the hospice towards her room, I met David and he offered to show me the way to her room. Bearing in mind that David has almost lost his sight and now relies upon a white stick, showing me the way, well..... David is a proud man, but he took my arm. I asked him how she was doing and he started to cry, it took all of his energy to try and maintain his dignity ..... I took his hand and we walked down the corridor saying no words... anyone walking behind us seeing two middle aged men walking hand in hand .....
As I sat with Pam, holding her hand .... David next to me, in fact we were both kneeling, he gently stroked her hair ......
David rang me this morning .... Just hearing the pain in his voice ...... Pam passed away last night. The call took seconds and as I put the phone down .... I found myself crying too.
As I lay in bed last night despite it being 1am, I was wide awake reflecting back ..... unaware that Pam was taking her last breath on this earth ..... my brother's words were ringing in my ears ...... I thought about the moment kneeling at the side of Pam's bed last week holding her hands, David stroking her hair .... anyone at the door seeing me kneeling might have thought I was praying at her bedside .... who knows perhaps I was ..... but the contrast was not lost on me ..... David's marriage coming to an end by death and mine by divorce .... I elected not to share this with David .... his grief was yet to come, but only less than a week away.
They say divorce brings about it's own form of grief and lying in bed last night, I was also thinking about the sadness in losing my Dad, Katie dying last year for no good reason at the stupid young age of 21 [but can there be any good reason to die, even though it is inevitable] and then perhaps the sadness that the life I have known to the age of 53 years has come to an end.
But why do we grieve .... do we grieve for the person that is lost or for the life that we lost .... the lives left behind that have been lost. I have no real idea what happens to us when we die, but in my mind it is nothing, a dark quite unconscionable nothingness. If this is true, then why should it be that death is something to fear, for if you die in to a nothingness, then you have no consciousness and can therefore experience no loss. It is only the ones left behind who are left with their thoughts, the moments lost from a life once lived.
I remember on my first trip to sea and I suffered terribly with sea sickness, by the christ it made me ill, but I did eventually get over it by my 2nd trip. But considering it was 37 years ago I have this strong memory of one moment of sea sickness. I was on bridge watching keeping duties, and to the rear of the bridge was the loo. This was an older ship, very utilitarian construction, the engine vibrations constant through the fabric of the steel structure and as a fuel oil carrier had a pervading smell of dark oil. As I honked up in the bowl, I blacked out. I don't know for how long, but at the nano second I came too, just in that very instance I had no understanding of where I was, what had happened nor that I had blacked out. No conscience at all, and then at the end of that nano second, I became aware of the vibrations, the smell of oil and an awareness of where I was and who I was. That memory has stayed with me all these years.
But at that nano second before I knew what was happening, there was nothing, a complete empty nothingness ..... that is how I imagine death ..... so why do we grieve towards the thought of death .....
And still it comes back, we grieve for ourselves for the life lost .... the lost life of the departed ? or is it the life the living have lost ? ......
These are the thoughts I had last night, the thoughts I had before last night, and now the thoughts I have today.
In January of this year I wrote about Pam, and how it came to be that her Son and Husband came to tell me she had been ill ...... since then I have seen Pam and we've had some loverly chats remembering the good moments in our respective time together ..... but she never once felt sorry for her self .... in fact we didn't really talk about her illness .......
Over the May bank holiday weekend I received word she had moved to a local hospice. I went to see David on the Sunday, he was stoic, but you could tell he was hurting. Last Wednesday, after speaking to David on the phone in the morning, I went to see Pam in the afternoon. As I walked down the hall of the hospice towards her room, I met David and he offered to show me the way to her room. Bearing in mind that David has almost lost his sight and now relies upon a white stick, showing me the way, well..... David is a proud man, but he took my arm. I asked him how she was doing and he started to cry, it took all of his energy to try and maintain his dignity ..... I took his hand and we walked down the corridor saying no words... anyone walking behind us seeing two middle aged men walking hand in hand .....
As I sat with Pam, holding her hand .... David next to me, in fact we were both kneeling, he gently stroked her hair ......
David rang me this morning .... Just hearing the pain in his voice ...... Pam passed away last night. The call took seconds and as I put the phone down .... I found myself crying too.
As I lay in bed last night despite it being 1am, I was wide awake reflecting back ..... unaware that Pam was taking her last breath on this earth ..... my brother's words were ringing in my ears ...... I thought about the moment kneeling at the side of Pam's bed last week holding her hands, David stroking her hair .... anyone at the door seeing me kneeling might have thought I was praying at her bedside .... who knows perhaps I was ..... but the contrast was not lost on me ..... David's marriage coming to an end by death and mine by divorce .... I elected not to share this with David .... his grief was yet to come, but only less than a week away.
They say divorce brings about it's own form of grief and lying in bed last night, I was also thinking about the sadness in losing my Dad, Katie dying last year for no good reason at the stupid young age of 21 [but can there be any good reason to die, even though it is inevitable] and then perhaps the sadness that the life I have known to the age of 53 years has come to an end.
But why do we grieve .... do we grieve for the person that is lost or for the life that we lost .... the lives left behind that have been lost. I have no real idea what happens to us when we die, but in my mind it is nothing, a dark quite unconscionable nothingness. If this is true, then why should it be that death is something to fear, for if you die in to a nothingness, then you have no consciousness and can therefore experience no loss. It is only the ones left behind who are left with their thoughts, the moments lost from a life once lived.
I remember on my first trip to sea and I suffered terribly with sea sickness, by the christ it made me ill, but I did eventually get over it by my 2nd trip. But considering it was 37 years ago I have this strong memory of one moment of sea sickness. I was on bridge watching keeping duties, and to the rear of the bridge was the loo. This was an older ship, very utilitarian construction, the engine vibrations constant through the fabric of the steel structure and as a fuel oil carrier had a pervading smell of dark oil. As I honked up in the bowl, I blacked out. I don't know for how long, but at the nano second I came too, just in that very instance I had no understanding of where I was, what had happened nor that I had blacked out. No conscience at all, and then at the end of that nano second, I became aware of the vibrations, the smell of oil and an awareness of where I was and who I was. That memory has stayed with me all these years.
But at that nano second before I knew what was happening, there was nothing, a complete empty nothingness ..... that is how I imagine death ..... so why do we grieve towards the thought of death .....
And still it comes back, we grieve for ourselves for the life lost .... the lost life of the departed ? or is it the life the living have lost ? ......
These are the thoughts I had last night, the thoughts I had before last night, and now the thoughts I have today.
We look back on moments in our lives......
that moment when to steal the line ....
This kind of certainty comes but just once in a lifetime ....
and as I listened to this music last night, and now again today
..... I wonder why I write this shite ......
..... who knows maybe my brother has a point after all .....
