I haven't got a FU button on my keyboard........but I have got a taser button on my phone......

Fraudsters think they are clever..... but the truth is they can be dumbfookwankers at times....

There I am sat at work.....

brrrrng.....  brrrng...... brrrrrng.....

Me [intended victim] : Hello good morning, how may I help you ?....

Dumbfookwanker [intended scammer] : Good morning sir, this is Microsoft Tech support

Me [no intention of being a victim] : Oh, what do you want  ? .....

Dumbfookwanker [not bright enough to be a scammer] : You have a problem with your computer sir....

Me [by this point it is clear, I am far from being a victim] : oh no that's terrible.... but what do you mean there is a problem with my computer ?....

Dumbfookwanker [by this point it is clear, that he is far from becoming a scammer]: We have detected a series of problems and virus on your computer.....

Me [ you get the idea]: ..... oh no that is terrible but how do you know ?

Dumbfookwanker [you get the idea] :  we have been monitoring your computer and it's systems have warned us that we need to help you to get these issues resolved......

Me : oh no that's terrible... what do I need to do ?

Dumbfookwanker: Please go to your computer sir

Me: It's in front of me

Dumbfookwanker: Good..... can you look at your keyboard....

Me : Yes I am looking at it ..... {seriously this is how the conversation went}

Dumbfookwanker: Look down at the left hand side and there is CTL button.....

Me: Nooooooo I can't see it .....

Dumbfookwanker: FU ......

Me : FU ?

Dumbfookwanker: Yes FU....

Me: Nooooooo I can't see a FU button on my keyboard.....

Dumbfookwanker:  Fuuuuuuuck yooooou ...... {I don't think he realised it, but pedantically, he should have said to me FY not FU......}

The call didn't last much longer..... but had it done so, then the next thing I would have said..... errr my computer has the words ....... MacBook Air ..... printed on the screen surround...... what does that mean ?

But what is worrying, is that with 7 Billion people on the planet and every day a greater and greater percentage of those people on a computer, on line, and next to a phone..... these scammers can and do find enough gullible people to make this fraud work ........

I love my mother dearly...... but I know that she is one of those at risk...... If only she had decided to buy an Apple Mac.....

During the call, I did think...... I wish my phone had a button marked Taser..... so I could have sent 50,000 volts through the head set of the twat at the other end of the phone...... [who knows he might have been thinking that about me, by the end of the call]...... but between the two us there was only one fake....

So for my Friday SoD

this is dedicated to the

Dumbfookwanker

who as I type this is on to 

his next smartarse victim......

thinking about it.....

to the intended scammer....

FUY2....

I'm having 3SoD's 2day

I'm tired of this ..... insomnia....

.... it's not a permanent affliction, but when it takes hold... it drives me nuts ....

For a man who during his time on an oil tanker at sea, once slept through it being hit by a lighting strike..... generally speaking..... sleeping is not normally a problem for me ...... thinking about that ship as I prepared this post in my head.... it's amazing the wonder of google.... here is a picture of that self same ship [sans lightening strike]...... many a time as a young man [before growing old...] did I run around the deck of that ship..... see that red chimney pot at the stern, above the accommodation ? I once painted that.... not all by my self..... but i did paint it.......

but there are times and this is one of them, when insomnia is my new best worst friend ....we become inseparable....

The latest bout is down to the arsehole of the building trade.... yes all of it.... every last nail and screw..... whom are insistent in making my home building project seem like trying to train monkeys how to split the atom....... only 1 week after they have just learned how to mash a pot of tea..... [funny how monkeys no longer make us smile over a pot of tea].....  

you hum it son I'll play it.... that line still kills me now....

So my advice to anyone wanting to avoid insomnia.... do not .... I repeat for effect.... do not ... start a building project that is any more complex than laying a few patio bricks....[or mashing a pot of tea..... builders are good at that....]

One of the tricks I try to use, to curb my insomnia is a CD by Paul Mckenna  and it is quite effective, although I always smile at the start where he says.... do not listen to this audio program whilst driving or operating machinery ..... I Can Make You Sleep..... driving at the same time.... err err emmm.... maybe ? maybe not..... ?.... maybe ?..... maybe not.....

Still there is an upside to insomnia, I get to listen to some great music [well in my head at least it's great] and read loads of shit on the internet ....... seeing as it is building works keeping me awake at night it seemed appropriate that my music ended up with Red House Painters... but more of them later....

The sage advice for sleep [or the inability to get enough of it] is not to stimulate the brain, have a warm bath and drink hot chocolate.... Hey oh..... I prefer my options...... you might go to work the next day feeling knackered but at least you have loads of tunes in your head with vast sums of worthless knowledge...

The other upside is you also have more time to do stuff...... for my last trip to France I had to be out the house at 3am to head out to the airport..... so as I had shit loads to do on the build.... instead of going to bed..... not to sleep .....I didn't go to bed at all...... I worked on the build till half past midnight, came in showered up, had me tea, packed me work stuff and hey presto I was out the door at 3am and no risk of missing the alarm clock by over sleeping.....

When I don't have to be at the airport at stupid am, during the hours of sleeplessness I lie in bed and in the dark, headphones in, eyes closed listen to some fab tracks, quiet reflective tracks but at 2:30 am with no sleep in sight, the intensity of these songs in the dark with head phones is so different to perhaps say.... listening to a song on the radio in the car maybe.....

Here's a snippet of my play list [noting that most have already appeared as my SoD at sometime or other......]

Damien Jurado - Mettalic Cloud [album version] ~ Silver Katherine....... these 2 songs are just fantastic.... his voice in the dark, eyes closed [mine not his] ...... almost perfect I would say.... but hey that's just my opinion and remember this is merely the shit that's in my head.... the shit in your head is your shit not my shit..... my shit is exclusive.... to me....

Then there is Damien J and Moby with Almost home ~ an enchanting song.....

Moby ~ Last day..... great video....watching the video is cheating I know...seeing as me eyes are supposed to be closed... but I was curious....well worth the curiosity.....

James ~ Just like Fred Astaire.... this song every time.... never fails..... killer line..... I believe she fell to earth ..... From somewhere high above....

Newton Faulkner ~ If this is it ..... not really the theme tune for an insomniac....

Dido ~ White flag.... what ever happened to her  ? 

Paul Buchanan ~ Toledo [acoustic version] ~ he's my Elvis

David Bowie ~ Always crashing in the same car ...... oh I do hope he wasn't listening to a Paul Mckenna CD......

I am kloot ~ I still do & Not a reasonable man.... 2 recent SoD outings of mine.....

Damien Jurado ~ I am still here and..... What were the chances..... one thing for sure... DJ is not what you would class as soporific.....

Then I started to hedge towards the Red House Painters.....

It went via ..... Susie Suh ..... Love is the way & Won't you come again.... never heard her before.... but not too bad.... let's say I didn't kick her out of bed...... musically I mean....

Then on to Sun Kil Moon with Lucky man and You are my Sun. Sun Kil Moon is the incarnation that Red House Painters morphed into..... I've not listened to the Red House Painters for a very long time..... but they had a prolific output.....I was introduced to them via Vanilla Sky...... oh Penny Oh Penny forget Tom..... he's bad for you.... pick me ! pick me !.... I love ya Honey..... you're my wild Honey.....

Anyways I started with ~ Have You Forgotten ? {the song from Vanilla Sky}..... ~  All mixed up then on to ...... Moments  ......then they wanted to ... Take me out...with Dragon Flies ~ and a few tracks later I ended up with today's SoD.....

A fantastic cover version of

a John Denver song.....

for me say's alot.... 

perhaps the things I wish I could have said.....

All this thought of insomnia is making me feeling sleepy..... I think I'll go for a lie down.....

[Insomnia Postscript: I did think that the natural song of the day for this post is ..... Faithless ~ Insomnia but for those of you familiar with this song and Faithless in general.... will know it is not a get you to sleep song...... In fact having gone to see them in their last ever concert at Brixton Academy on 8th April 2011, that's exactly what happened..... Maxi Jazz {what a fantastic live act} damn near lifted the roof off the Brixton Academy that night, and didn't leave the stage until gone 1 am..... so the chances of getting public transport across London to Liverpool St Station, and then a train back to Shenfield was impossible, so it meant an all nighter at Cafe's and railway station platforms until the first mail train back to Shenfield and finally arriving back home just after dawn..... sleepless..... but if you have ever seen Faithless live... you will know just how good a night of insomnia can truely be......]

Sue and be damned......

I am sure that today, up an down the world of blogging and twattering....twittering, this story has fired up the respective authors loins.....

It's my party and I'll sue if I want to...

My only thought was how the eck did it get to be front page news.... what made me piss was also how the BBC thought it necessary to explain how the small claims court system contracts work {they changed the article since I first posted}, just in case any other kids parties have been ruined by a child, née friend.... no show occurring......

Then there was the supreme irony of the BBC.... they educate us on the unwritten rules of children's parties ...... by ....... writing them down for us ..... errrrr

Still at least the invoice issued by the victim's parent looks mighty impressive..... only a matter of time before they are hounded outed on social media.....

You can see it now... your mobile SMS flashes....the dreaded spam text..... 

have you been a victim of 

the birthday party no-show ? 

Text back the word - YES

and we will secure your 

compensation at no cost to you....

The main thing about this story was......... brill..... a cue for a Song of the day...... trouble is as much as I love some of Nick Cave's work... his earlier incarnation with The Birthday Party is just a bit too heavy for me....pity being there were many apt songs to pick..... but as with youtube, they offer up connected choices on the right hand side, and after some clicking....... up popped....non other than today's choice.... I love this band and as they have only  appeared once so far .... they are now today's choice.....

Here is a multiple offering
 you can pick you own

SoD....

but be warned

Where's there's a party

there's a claim




.....  what a killer line[s]

You came on your own
That's how you'll leave
With hope in your hands
And air to breathe

Airports mek me trousers fall down .......

.... I had cause to go to Paris on Monday.... not because..... I was a right Charlie... and in fact when I got to the passport desk at Charles De Gaulle Airport, the immigration officer looked quite disappointingly at my passport, when he saw my name was not Charlie.....

It was a quick in and out visit, I was traveling light, and already checked in from home, so thinking I'd be clever...... whilst on the Luton Airport car park shuttle bus, I would be prepared for security....... I emptied me pockets of all stuff, I had no liquids and ....... I removed me belt and put it in my bag.....

Well my oh my..... as I left the bus and headed out to the terminal.... it started..... me trousers started their downwards, gravity driven path...... all the way towards the security entrance at departures, I had one hand clutching me bag and the other on me waist band  .......

That's what it has come to....... looney toons want to kill other inhabitants of this earth.... and seemingly in pursuit of safe air travel, I have to........ remove my watch, make sure my mobile phone is charged and working and in my bag, my laptop charged up and working and ready to be removed from my bag, my liquids of more than 100ml are dispensed with, my liquids of less than 100ml are in the correct see through bag, take my coins out of my pocket and put them in a easy to find place in my bag, leave all nail clippers at home [who takes nail clippers away with you anyway], and then when I have done all that........ take my belt off......

Of course all the doosayers say ..... but you want safe travel don't you ? it's in your own interests ..... it's a small price to pay for safe air travel...... erm err erm.... let me think.....

So last Sunday, the march in Paris..... for unity and for charlie...... many of the leaders of the EU states were there... arms linked together... showing the Jihadists ... their fuck you stance ....... and as I was listening to the BBC's radio coverage.... I heard them say...... there was a representative of Russia there ...... to show his/Russia's support......

Whoooooooooooa ....... hang on a minute........

Is this the same Russia who gave some looney toons in the Ukraine some heavy shit missiles..... so those self same looney toons could shoot down a passenger plane..... killing women, children, men whom had all done as they were told ..........and followed the rules of safe air travel....

I'm not one of the world's great thinkers ........but...... hoooooow........ the fucking hell......... does that one work then ?

A Russian delegate marching with the rest of EU leaders in a stand against .....terroris........ shit that is totally mad.....

Thinking back to the days that I remember of the IRA..... in the 70's/80's dropping bombs everywhere..... rubbish bins in public places were deemed a good dropping off point..... so what happened.... bins got removed, especially from train stations...... bloody nightmare trying to find a bin..... literally ......

But here we are 40/30 years later, and terror is still on our streets....... today it is Paris streets..... and all because of some cartoons......

yeah yeah... 

I know it's said to be a wider argument about the freedom to offend speech..... but there's been some crap spoken over the last week.... last week the BBC had some UK cartoonist who said  the way to respond was to use satire and cartoons to consign these people [who carried out the shootings] to the dustbin of history.... what a load of utter bollocks.... can't remember this blokes name.... but has he never read a history book..

So how will removing my belt really win the war on terror.... when all it takes are some cartoons...... and some looney toons........

All I could think about as I marched to the security at Luton Airport, was not how I was helping win the war on terror.... but wishing instead, my bloody trousers were not falling down.....

My belt is not big enough to blow my nuts off let alone bring down a plane ....... so I say this to either those in charge of........ airport security..... or the looney toons ...... [you decide which camp you are in]...... if I promise not to bring my crayola* crayons onto the plane.......

weapons of mass disruption

..... can I please keep my belt on as I go through airport security ? .......otherwise my only choice is a business suit with elasticated waist bands....... noooooo way.....

Here's a great SoD

Oh how we all love

a bit of Donovan

* or in my case... Staedtler... but that doesn't roll off the tongue keyboard .... like crayola crayons....

What is love ......

.... it's a rare thing indeed but

... you know it when you know it....

 this is love......

I still do.... I still do...

Happy Birthday......

to me !

call me a narcissist*.... but hey this is my day....
 my one day of the year me day

Now this song is about...... is about...... is about.......
 me you

* [Foot note - I'm called a lot worse on a daily basis but who gives a fook...]

A great quote from the fabulous Dustin Hoffman

I know it's written that I'm difficult. Barry Levinson - who I did four films with - told me that every press person comes up to him and asks, 'How do you work with that guy?' and he says, 'I've done nothing but extol what a privilege and fun it's been.' But not one interviewer has ever printed that. 

Look, the medical metaphor I use is......... it's like you're on a table for brain surgery and 
you're being wheeled in and the guy leans in and says, "Hi I'm your brain surgeon
 and don't worry - I'm not difficult, I'm not a perfectionist"

I am no different from the focus puller - you're either sharp or you're not.

I like Dustin Hoffman....

Today once more gives......

evidence of a fooked up world..... 

I'm sticking to I am Kloot...

the only way out......

*************

The crowd that is gathered is confused
They're all trembling inside solitude
We've got nothing left to use
We've got all the bullets
But there's no-one left to shoot

Noooo way... surely not.....

I saw this news item on BBC 

Why does Egypt have a high rate of road deaths?

Egypt has one of the highest rates of road deaths in the world, according to

 the World Health Organization. Twelve thousand people are killed in Egypt road

accidents every year. Some blame the situation on careless driving, while others say

the real cause is the poor condition of Egypt's roads.

Sally Nabil reports from Cairo.

and given my last trip to Cairo....
 I think I might know the reasons why....

For a country that had the wit and intelligence to build the Pyramids some 

4,500 years ago whilst us Brits still lived in caves........on the drive back from Alex..... 

in the car to the right of us, it appeared that a young child was driving 

the car, until we realised the child was sitting on the drivers knee, and 

the car to the left of us, the driver was watching a TV program with 

the device strapped over his rear view mirror..... 

oh how times have changed in Egypt......

watching the telly...whilst a 5 year old takes a turn at the wheel perchance ?

Seeing as my post about Egypt was about the effect ships have upon me, it was with some professional interest I watched the news reports upon the shipping matters very close to home.... first there was the sinking of the Cement ship Cemfjord ..... it seems almost too obvious to say the tragic loss of all on board....

I see little hope for survival .... and that seems to be the way for bulk carriers... it's not like in Hollywood movies, where they spend a whole movie getting rescued from the slowly sinking ship..... shit no..... bulk carriers can get overwhelmed by a single wave... and that's it... if you're on board you are bolloxed...... 

The Bibby Line vessel, The Derbyshire went down on 9th September 1980 with all hands lost ...... 42 crew members and 2 officers wives dying that day......

Far less tragic but nevertheless, just as dramatic is the latest sight seeing attraction off the Isle of Wight....... The Hoegh Osaka....

That is a quite an image, seeing a ship of that size well and truely beached... Not sure the owners or skipper are so keen on the drama of it though..... I suspect much of the cargo of the cars and construction equipment maybe buggered.... but they should be able to get the ship upright soon enough.....

I am not sure if the skipper is a....
 I am kloot fan.....

I am though.....

multiple choice SoD today

and these two... particular faves of mine......