My arse is like a puffer fish ..........

The Andrex Revenge

Having recently taken the piss out of the Andrex Clean Routine advert, I did notice that the cute kid no longer refers to his arse being as clean as a squid but is in fact now clean as a puffer fish ..... could this mean that the Andrex marketting dept do in fact read this bog .... ach erm blog ..... and now changed the advert, just to make my post redundant ?

But having woken up doubled up in pain the other morning [only a few days after my post], I am utterly convinced they do read this blog .... because I think they made a vodoo doll of me, and sought their revenge ......... I have had food poisoning in the past, but whilst I couldn't be sure it was the previous days mussels, one thing is for certain it was not long before I was heading due south .....

And that is how it remained for most of the morning ...... in the afternoon, being the very brave chap that I am, I went back to work, and with the restaurant only across the road thought it best to mention it to them ..... not as a complaint, but simply as a just in case anyone else...... They were very good about it, but did ask if I had seen my doctor......

So back at work, I thought I can't really waste my doctors time, so instead I tried 111 NHS for the first time. Then should the restaurant ask me later, at least I had done something.

Well the lad on the end of the 111 was very polite and helpful, and ran through his script very well ..... I was concerned when he asked me if the whites of my eyes were no longer white .... had he asked me about my skiddies then maybe .... but a trip to the mirror soon confirmed that my fatal dose of food poisoning [or was it more pins in the doll] was not going to kill me, but he did say I should visit my doctor within 24 hours.

So off I trotted to my doctors [literally] and after going through all the recent events, was given the appropriate advice for the next 24 hours .... but was then handed a receptacle and told that if things did not improve in the next 24 hours to provide a sample ......

When I got out and looked at the plastic jar and I thought ......

How the hell am I going to shit in that thing ? ...... you've heard the phrase ... 

through the eye of a needle .... 

but Andrex revenge is not like that .... Andrex revenge is  .... 

my arse is like a puffer fish !!

No way I thought ...... if I try and shit in that jar, I am going to get covered in the stuff ..... then when I took the lid off I noticed what appeared like a small spade at the end .....

Nooooooo way .... I am not digging the stuff out ...... so back at work and the first hint of a rumble and it was ...... matron ! matron ! ..... get me the Imodium ! ......

And so to Andrex, if you are reading this [and I know you are] please take out the pins, put away the doll and I apologise utmost for my piss taking ...... I have grown to love your product so much in these last few days .....  

my arse feels as clean as a 7 year old boys .....

But should I get caught short again

I may find myself having to go

over the wall .....

To drown out the noises coming from the Khazi ....
can I suggest you turn this up full volume
and I mean fuuuuuull volume
for a song 35 years old... still shittingly brilliant ..

[Bonus SoD: as I am not a fan of the band called Voodo Dolls how about this instead]