Monday, 14 January 2013

We look for signs....redux.....

....even when are not looking for them we see them..... if I had crystal balls I would clank when I walked.....but it seems I don't need them....the highways agency can now predict the future for me.......

Driving southbound along the M6 motorway early on Saturday evening, I suddenly became aware of the signs...... of course they were always there...I have often seen them as I drive along...usually thinking...what an effin waste of money and time....

In suffolk they spent £70,000,000 on these signs...thats right 70 effinmillionsquillion pounds in suffolk couldn't make this up.....that is 16% of what Cancer research raises each year, and bear in mind the £70 millionknobhead pounds relates only to suffolk.....a big county I know, but next time you drive around.....see how many you spot that are .........A) Blank..... or....... B) Informing you of mindless information.... There is every chance the country as a whole has spent more than £432M on these things...

So back to the M6 on Saturday night, there I was and I looked up...... it said..... Snow Forecast Tomorrow [some other counties I later passed through, were more rebellious and used the word Predicted....]..... I nearly choked on my Pie.... I know you shouldn't eat and drive, but it was a pie when all said and done....... so this great revelation that made me choke me pie, was that it was going to snow the next day....but for christ's sake.... I don't want a prediction for tomorrow, I am on the sodding M6 NOW, I want to know about NOW, not'd have to be a deaf, dumb, blind, mute, living on another planet not to know snow is predicted in the the Highways Agency not know that these new fangled horseless carriages called cars [they will never catch on] are now fitted with radio's ?

Firstly, there has been a huge amount of tax payers money in funding the monstrosities of these signs that litter our road sides, but then someone in management had to decide what message to display....and then some numpty had to type in that data....just so I could choke on me pie !

Then it got me thinking....what would I do if I was the numpty in charge of putting the data into the signs, and my boss told me I had to let everyone know I could predict snow.....


Be Warned Snow is 
Forecast for tomorrow
So enjoy this drive on 
the M6 whilst the road
is clear and free flowing
because tomorrow after 
a shit load of snow 
has been dumped on 
this road your journey will be 
Take my advice and 
stay at home


Well I did warn you,
so here you are
stuck in traffic, cold
bored, and wondering why 
you are not at home in bed 
with your missus and yet
here I am sat in a loverly
warm office drinking copious 
cups of hot coffee. If you paid 
more attention to these signs 
in future you too could be
supping hot coffee. Hey oh


You still here ?

Further on my journey on Saturday night I was also subjected to other signs, like this one....

Is my vehicle ready for winter ? Yikes I must remember to take off it's shades and shorts and fit a hat and scarf to it !

And so as it was, towards the end of my journey I turned on the radio for my local radio station and drowned my brian with thoughts of music sans warning signs..... one track came on and I love that song....but its a song for sunny day drives.....Candi Staton .... Young Hearts Run Free, but then the next song, gosh not heard this for years....and this, this is my SoD dedicated to all the fabulous and important work being done by the road side matrix signs department of the Highways Agency.

Thank you guys, we love you, we do......

is this just not one of the most jangly of songs* ever in the whole wide world ? come on crank up the volume, move the settee back, kick off ya slippers, grab a hair brush.....and let's sing and dance around the room

Is the guy playing the keyboard, playing the song or typing in data for the signs I wonder ?

15th January Postscript:
*[Since doing this original post I have done some reading on DH. The guy bashing the keys is in fact Dan Hartman and it seems he's another that didn't make 50.....there are some glowing tributes to of the best is from Tom Robinson....TR is great and seeing him live is a fab treat here is TR's loverly tribute to DH]