And never forget ..........

....... today's low won't last and neither will tomorrows high

mlerry clistmas mister lawrence......

.... still looking like

the prettiest shoes

 in the whole wide world

ever ......

I think I am going to have an orgasm

This is the best christmas ever....

If youtube had been around during the life of christ..... then I am sure this is how Jesus would have sounded.....

........ it is in fact, of course the wonderful sound

of the velvet voice of Eric Bibb....

but if I had to describe christmas eve by the power of song

it wouldn't be jingle bells, it wouldn't be sleigh bells ....

With the lights dimmed low,
the fire embers burning brightly
a glass of whiskey in hand

this would be that song

for you ...
 

In fact Eric must have been around when Jesus was around...
he wrote a song about him .....

It might be a bit late to buy your self any more presents to
arrive in time for Christmas day but there is still time for New Year

so accept my recommendation and treat your self to

Eric Bibb - Diamond Days

This is one of my faves from the album

My Reward......

Landing back in good ole' blimey is somehow always reassuring.... seeing the lights of London and it's outer reaches......

I know I am home.... and this despite the efforts of the mighty IT dept of Air traffic control to bugger up the busiest airport in the UK........ I got off quite light with only a 1.5hr delay in arriving at Heathrow, which for a flight from Cairo, I thought was good..........compared to previous efforts....

For all my hardwork and for totting up a 78 hour working week in the sun baked sand riddled country that I always love visiting, I decided to treat my self with a new pair of cycling shoes...

And so when I returned to my office there it was, a nice neatly wrapped parcel sitting squarely upon my desk, resplendent with a Spanish postmark. I knew this is what I had worked so hard for.

I could hardly contain my excitement in opening the parcel 

and as I unwrapped it, there they were.......

Without doubt
the prettiest pair of shoes

I have ever seen

in the whole wide world

ever.......

As with my declared love for Alex Polizzi, who cares whether I am a sad delusional middle aged man..... never before have I owned a pair of shoes this pretty......

I checked them for size, and with one last longing look, I neatly put them back in the box......

Jesus woke up on Christmas morning to gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh and so it shall be that I will wake up on christmas morning....... like an excited child...... and no doubt looking like a turkey bursting out of it's skin, I shall don the lycra, .............put on my nue shues..... and then jump on the bike.....

As I ride around my village in Suffolk.... all the neighbours will look out of their windows, and point....... saying to each other..... look at that...... there he goes riding his bike, 

in the prettiest shoes we have ever seen, in the whole wide world.......

What myrrh was to Jesus
then these shoes are to me...

my reward for being a good boy.....

This must call for a reward SoD

from the brilliant Teardrop Explodes

A ship was supposed to take me to Guildford today.......

... but instead I found my self on the road to Alexandria.....

I accept that Guildford is not quite your archetypical seaside port.... but that's the odd thing about shipping ...... surprising how far a ship can take you.... this particular ship is in fact the MoL Comfort and the reality is...... this particular ship is actually going nowhere these days, now that it has sunk....

But by the unpredictability of my work.... instead my meeting in Guilford was cancelled and Cairo became my immediate port of call....with a side visit to Alexandria.....

Some parts of the road to Alexandria are not necessarily picturesque

There was an aqua park on the way...but it looks like a very sad aqua park...

But when you finally arrive at Alexandria, it is worth the drive

The thing I find about Egypt...... it is a country of contradictions.....


Worn out buildings stand side by side with wonderful modern buildings......

The atrium at the Union Hotel is a stark comparison to the atrium at the Fairmont Towers, I am just glad I am staying at the Fairmont.....

For a country that had the wit and intelligence to build the Pyramids some 4,500 years ago whilst us Brits still lived in caves........on the drive back from Alex..... in the car to the right of us, it appeared that a young child was driving the car, until we realised the child was sitting on the drivers knee, and the car to the left of us, the driver was watching a TV program with the device strapped over his rear view mirror..... oh how times have changed in Egypt......

It was a ship that first brought me to Egypt some 35 years ago, as a young boy recently turned 17 years old, travelling along the Suez Canal aboard a super tanker, a 1/4 of a mile long.... the tanker not the canal that is....

And since then my life with shipping has taken me to many places, and whilst I may have missed out on Guildford today, shipping has taken me to Zambia for example..... another place along way from the sea ....... or Geneva, quite some distance away from the sea as well...... I have seen the Niagara Falls, had dinner under the shadow of the Sydney opera house, sailed along the Panama Canal, and on one weekend return journey...... found myself having Saturday breakfast in Perth Australia, followed by Saturday night out in Singapore's Chinatown, and getting home in time for a Sunday roast at my home in Suffolk.

I once flew first class with a Spice Girl..... she didn't recognise me....and to be fair I had to google which one it was.... I naturally refused to give her my autograph but we were both seen sporting the same first class cabin pyjama's.... they looked better on me....

It's been a funny working life.... in shipping........ but having now visited Alexandria for the very first time, I can now say with a smug grin on my face [not an aqua park grin] that I have now had an ice cold beer in Alex.....

This calls for a SoD.... 

in fact 2 for the same song.... 

the original by the sublime.... Nick Cave... 

and the other from the wonderful Camille O'Sullivan

Set Sail Nick.....

but Camille .... do you have to heave your bussom so much ?

I had a dream.......

... not a dream as in Martin Luther King..... I had a dream .....

But as a middle aged man seemingly with a troubled mind ...... I had a dream .....

Now of course, we all dream, it's just that most of the time we are out sparko and the dream get's lost in our sleep...... or if we do remember our dream, we are left thinking..... what the hell was that all about...did I eat some special mushrooms last night ?

We've all had them [dreams I mean, not magic mushrooms] ...... riding down the street on a uni cycle with our underpants on our head, fighting off talking purple bats who want to eat us......

Having a furtive imagination as a kid, I dreamed about alligators and funny enough running down the street in my underpants, fortunately my pants were where they were meant to be and not on my head.... but last night was one of those dreams.... from the minute I woke up, to this point in time as I type this, it has bothered me....

It bothers me because it seems[ed] so real, when I woke up it was as if it had been true, I remember every element of it. Normally with a head full of shit, my dreams get locked away into the dream recess of my head and it is only the shit that is let out of my head, to then be transcribed to this blog.... but today .... this dream was/is clearly a reflection of the thoughts in my mind.... worse still it was entirely contrary to capricorness that is me.....

It is said the truth hurts, and when others give the truth to you, sure sometimes it can hurt, but the truth will hurt the most when it is delivered to you by yourself.

I think that's what has troubled me so much about this dream ...... I walked out of one location/situation and instead of going back to it as I was supposed to, my dream took me to a new place with different people, and a place so different from the one I had left.......what it said to me was I should have walked away some years back and never returned when I had the chance .....

I had my chance and I let it go....
and yet it takes a dream 5 years later to tell me that....
the truth hurts.... this one hurts for sure..... 

and instead of being the Capricorn I thought I am ......

I am merely a weak man....

Hopefully on the night flight to Cairo this weekend maybe I can have less troubling dreams....

Here are 3 repeat SoD's

reflecting my troubling dream

let's hope it is only the SoD's

that are repeated.... I do hope so

It's funny what dreams can do to you

Courtesy of national geographic*....

....... I say be a deer 

and point me in the direction

 of the lavatory....
loving the hat by the way...

[* here is the link to original image]

cue national tune...

Tana ...... Tana..... do you f**king not... I repeat.... f**king not....

.... realise the supreme....f**king... sh*tting.... b*ll**cking irony of your comments ?

Now I don't claim to be a court reporter nor am I following the case with forensic intensity but I was struck by a very telling comment of the adorable but slightly dim wife of Gordon effing f**king sh*tting b*ll*cking Ramsey....

There is currently a case going through the courts where it is reported that Gordon effing f**king sh*tting b*ll*cking Ramsey should not be considered liable for a financial guarantee supposedly issued in his name.

He is arguing with the owner of a property his company rents, that he is not responsible for the financial guarantee as it is alleged that it is not "his signature" on the guarantee but is a forgery perpetrated by his father in law, non other than the father of Tana....

It appears that the signature was issued by use of a ghost writing machine and as Tana says.....

Mrs Ramsay said in her witness statement: "The knowledge that my father and brother had been systematically defrauding my husband was extremely distressing to me."
She said she was aware of the use of the ghostwriter machine. But she added that she believed the machine was used for signing merchandise when her husband was unavailable.

So Tana, it's a terribly distressing thing for your father to use the machine to create Gordon effing f**king sh*tting b*ll*cking Ramsey's signature..... I mean that is the fraud of the century........ but if that same machine is used to create Gordon effing f**king sh*tting b*ll*cking Ramsey's signature for merchandise that is not fraud.......

Thud *

As my current crop of SoD's

are trapped in the 1980's

how about this fab SoD

from the brillant Terry

come on Tana get ya ghost writer out for the boys

and let's see ya signatures.........

*[Thud - the sound of my head as it hits the desk..... we live in a bonkers world of celebrity madness]

Fucking ....sheer stupid..... utter madness.....

........here we are, once again descending into the stupidity of BLACK Friday.....

As the BBC report we are told:

The force said there had been "disturbances" at the seven Tesco stores. Incidents included:

About 200 shoppers refused to leave a store in Middleton "despite being told stock had all gone"

Fights broke out between shoppers in Stretford, and a woman suffered "minor injuries" after being hit by a falling television. The store was closed at 00:36 GMT

A man was arrested in Salford after he threatened to "smash a staff member's face in"

In Wigan, officers were called to reports of "several hundred people trying to enter the store". Police added: "Two men were ejected before control was regained"

There were reports of fighting in a store in Hattersley, where a man was arrested for a public order offence

A man was arrested for assault at a store in Green End

Fighting over a sodding Tv

 Fucking .....sheer stupid...... utter madness..... 

It's not black friday it's

FUCKING SONG OF THE DAY FRIDAY

Nottingham Rock City

1980's

We need to put Presdient Gas in charge

Hit the volume button and silence the madness

Do you know John Dewhirst ? ..........

.... funny how we view the news and think that what has happened today only happened today....

We are told by Theresa May what an evil threat ISIS / IS / ISIL {delete as appropriate} is.....  she warns us that we must act, that the British Government must act, to protect us from this evil.... and of course to protect us what do our government do ? they save us from ourselves... Theresa May comes across as a very noble woman arguing just cause in mainly male dominated world of British English, Welsh, Cornish, Northern Ireland politics and as the daughter of a vicar, you would not question her motives.

We now have Facebook as the pariah of Lee Rigby's death, an awful act of utter madness was his death and yet the media are now intent on turning the blame to Facebook.

Also the murders of James Foley ~ Ali al Sayyed ~ Steven Sotloff ~ David Haines ~ Abbas Medlej ~ Hervé Gourdel ~ Alan Henning ~ Raad al-Azzawi ~ Peter Kassig, these were not deaths done in the name of a just cause, they were deaths done out of shear utter insanity.

So there I sat last night, channel flicking with the TV buttons and on BBC 4..... The Killing Fields. So I thought I would watch it, I have at some time or another seen it, and I am aware of the content subject, but it is a powerful movie and I would watch it for what it is.

As the brutality on the screen unfolded with Cambodia descending into what can only be described as some form of Dantes Inferno... you think surely it wasn't that bad, so then you turn to the net... and christ not only was it that bad, as shown in the Killing Fields, but in true life it was worse..... a whole lot worse.

In fact it was that bad the Khmer Rouge under the control of Brother #1 Pol Pot make ISIS merely look like the left wing off shoot of the Women's Institute.... rank amateurs at that.

I can't say that in my formative teenage years I was that switched on to world affairs, and until 1979 at the tender age of 16.5 years old I had never been abroad. So as the year zero was being introduced by Pol Pot, I didn't notice much about it at the time. Truth be known it seems not much of the world knew [cared] about it either.

Maybe the thought was that as Pol Pot and his croonies were imposing this barbaric misery on Cambodians it didn't really affect "us".

But that's the thing it wasn't just Cambodian's who suffered.

John Dewhirst ? No ? Well I didn't know about him until last night.

John Dewhirst was an Englishman, the son of a head teacher father and shop owner mother, and the only "mistake" in life he appeared to have made......... was to be on a small sailing boat with 2 friends that drifted in close by Cambodian waters. Their boat was immediately seized, one man Stuart Glass was shot dead immediately and John Dewhirst and Kerry Hamill taken to the mainland.

These two men were tortured and murdered in a most brutal manner. John Dewhirst was 26 years old when he died.

Here is a picture of John Dewhirst

Here is a picture of James Foley

They look like they could be brothers, they died 36 years apart, they died brutal deaths, they died at the hands of madness.

It is said that under the rule of the Khmer Rouge a quarter of the population were slaughtered.... some were even murdered just because they wore glasses......

When I say that it was a whole lot worse than shown in the killing fields, here is some idea how worse it was....... in Prison S-21 they cut people open whilst they were awake, conscious and without anesthetic and removed their vital organs...... they drained people of their blood and they waited to see how long it took before they died with no blood in their veins....  The world bangs on about how bad the Nazi's were, but I reckon those running prison S-21 can give any Satanist a run for his money.

Imagine that the quarter of the population of a country, for the UK that would be like making around 16,250,000 no longer of this life..... imagine the impact that would have. Do you wear glasses ? I do, so that's me fucked then.

We live in a world full of contradictions, 

these contributors are working 

for a very noble and just cause

I like their message, but can we live this life ?

But one thing is for sure,
today Cambodia is a different country that
John Dewhirst had the misfortune to end in



This time yesterday did I know John Dewhirst ?

no

but today I know who John Dewhirst was

~

Not really a song of the day moment or owt like that
but here's a Julian Cope song
just because I like it

I saw him live before he fell off his bike.......

.... the Daily Mail on-line is more often than not, the best place for shite news...... but it has it's attractions and one of the best must surely be the comments section.

 
For sure .... Letters to the Editor of the Times, it is not..... and with the joy of the internet, everyone is now is a wise crack....

 
Although many a time I have had to stop my self from reading the comments as you know full well..... the shit storm that the Daily Mail on-line want to create with the stories.... you can just tell that the story is posted just to set the comments section on fire....

 
Bono is an easy target these days.... so seeing the headline ......  

 Bono's bloody Sunday: U2's Tonight Show appearance canceled after singer falls off bike in Central Park and needs surgery - days after door falls off his plane in mid-air

There was no hope for me.... I just knew that the comments section would be like a drug....

I like my music and there is no doubt I like U2, ...... their Album..... Joshua Tree..... was for me their seminal album.... on a par with the Bunnymens Ocean Rain..... but I never fall into the trap of thinking that great music comes from greater thinkers................
the song is fantastic now eff off...... with your world saving opinions.....

 
Back in the days, live music at Lancaster University, and I saw U2 live before they were famous and before they were falling off bikes..... but it seems that many of the Daily Mail readers might not be true fans... and maybe the true fans wish to stay silent on the comments section for fear of ridicule....

But for sure here are some of my own favourites..... everyone a wag...

and so for all the U2 fans who read the Daily Mail on-line
sod the commentators.....

let me dedicate these SoD's

just for you...

There's a kite blowing out of control on the breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me

....ooooh Penny Penny Penny forget Tom.....
pick me ...pick me please

    and this one.......
stuff the daily mail readers
this one......

this one is for me dad.....
today would have been his 80th birthday
Happy Birthday Dad x

This is not desert island disc friday..... this is.......

Ian Mcnabb Day

and it's official....

who said so ?

I said so ....

Hit it Ian !!

show me great dreams of heaven......

and finally.....

one of my all time favs....

but before you hit the play button....

hit the volume button blast loud....

...... and now hit PLAY !!

H is for ...... shit, I miss my dad so much.....

.... here I sit, 3 years later, to the day, to the hour ...... and the pain of losing my dad does not diminish....

Surely that is ridiculous ? I am a gown man for Christ's sake, I mean we all die some day, he couldn't stay in this life for ever....... come to think of it nor will I ..... but still it hurts.... it hurts like fuck....

That moment, the moment my phone flashed up, that flash of my brothers name on the screen of my phone, time to tell me it was over......

I was in the process of waking the other morning whilst listening to radio 4 news, and then on came a segway about a book..... H is for Hawk

I am not sure if I am searching for answers.... but the questions remain.... and grief seems a tough emotion for me to grapple with.... even in my middle age I can find a way to cry like a small child...

A couple of weeks back and I was cycling home late from work, as I hit my village it was pitch black with only the stars in the sky and the road lit up by my bike light....

out of the hedgerow jumped a badger and as I chased him down the road.....

the tears were streaming down my cheeks....

still loving ya John Boy... 

still lovin ya ...

Today I dedicate my poppy......

...... to those Merchant seafarers lost at sea during times of conflict....

During the conflict of the second world war more than 40,000 lost their lives, and should their ship be sunk and yet they managed to survive..... their pay was stopped the day after the vessel had sunk.

But it is not just the second world war that non combatant seafarers have lost their life in the war effort, over 14,000 died in the first world war........... even in my own life time, merchant seafarers have lost their lives in the name of war..... I was serving on a trip in the Middle East, and oil tankers were traveling to the far reaches of the Persian Gulf during the Iran ~ Iraq war, it was thought that they would be safe as being non Iranian or Iraqi registered ships..... wrong......... many a French made Exocet missile was launched at one of these oil tankers, with casualties.

During the time of the Falklands war, my company sent out oil tankers as support vessels, so did ACL. Their ship the Atlantic Conveyor was hit by an Exocet, 12 crew were killed, six merchant navy crew including the skipper.  The first UK Merchant Ship to be sunk during warfare since the second world war.

I remember that moment well. 

When Nicholas Monsarrat wrote the Cruel Sea, oh how the title was so understated, even in peace time the sea can be cruel, look at how the MoL Comfort was split in 2 and this without any U Boat chasing it and firing torpedoes directly into it's midships, and yet it still caught fire.....

So for the poppy lost all out at sea 

in remembrance of the lives lost at sea.

 

Alex ! ....... Alex ! ....... Alex ! ......... sposami ....

Generally I live in the real world, and don't normally fall in to the trap of the beauty we see in the world of entertainment...... not least of which ...... mistaking the persona we see on the screen as the excuse to fall in love...... apart of course from Debbie Harry that is..... but I was 15 years old at the time....

But leaving Debbie aside....... of course there was also Gillian Anderson in the sex.... ach arm.... X Files....

But leaving aside Debbie and Gillian.... there was that time, Amanda Burton in Brookside..... but apart from Debbie and Gillian and Amanda... well...... although to be fair, I remember wishing I could have a ground hog day with Andie MacDowell.....

So leaving aside Debbie and Gillian, Amanda, Andie well..... oh that reminds me.... Salma Hayek....that scene in Frida... the tango scene.... how could you not fall in love with her.....

Anyway where was I..... oh yes..... apart from Debbie, Gillian, Amanda, Andie, Salma... but thinking about it... there is also the brief flirtation with .....Clare Holman in Lewis.... but it's not too serious with her..... but now........

Now I really have fallen in love with Alex.....

I never paid too much attention in the past, I watched the Hotel Inspector but not bothered too much...They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder..... but it's not all about stunning goods looks..... let's face it, when I look in the mirror each day, I am reminded of the damage that god can do with a face..... when he said noses...... I thought he said roses and I asked for a big red one .....

But I was watching episode 2 of Alex's Secret Italy on Channel 5.....and oh my gosh......she had me at ciao..... and for the next hour she flirted and beguiled me..... and flirt she did..... as I sat there on the sofa...she looked at me..... it was that secret look in her eyes...aimed just to me.... then I realised I was hooked.... I was her's and she is mine...... her beauty had me enslaved.

Attraction is not always about pure looks alone.....and it's sure as hell is not about.... pwhoar look at the bazookas on her.... but attraction appears in many ways, it can be a look in the eye, a wry smile, a gesture, a comment....but when it hits the bulls eye.... then kappow there is no turning back.....

Her origins are in Italy with the Forte family, and you see her passion and love for the country.... she is not faking it...... and that knowing look she gave me.....

kappow !

who cares whether I am a sad delusional middle aged man.....

Alex ! ....... Alex ! ....... Alex ! ......... sposami ....

As it's time for a Friday SoD 

I was torn between 2 songs.... 

so let's a have double header..... 

because she is worth it....

Happiness.......

There's no point wasting your time and energy 

trying to reason with someone who does not 

have the capacity to 

understand or cannot reason....

Fwoot Pwrints Shaggy...........

Scooby doo where are you ?

Once again the BBC's* Detectorist delivers moments of wonderful humour........ It's like being in the worst ever episode of scooby doo..... A line delivered with perfect timing and not a hint of any irony in episode 5.....

* Although when I say the BBC's Detectorists..... of course I mean it's Mackenzie Crook's Detectorists..... he wrote it, it's his lines, his humour ...... but the BBC is obviously keen on metal detecting.....it'll take more than a metal detector to save my marriage..... I did like the anedocte in the BBC article, about the woman who told her hubby that she had thrown her ring in the river..... the hubby asked a detectorist to find it....only for the wife to secretly tell the detectorist she had pawned it...... what a wonderful institution is marriage.....

But last nights episode of the detectorists, the line about scooby doo was one of those cultural references that perhaps only people of a certain age might get, and interestingly or not [probably not to any reader and it is only interesting to me I suppose] but this week I booked a ticket to see Stewart Lee at Colchester early in 2015.

Comedians are like music, we each have our own tastes, I know what music I love and I know what comedians I love, so this week I was watching some Stewart Lee sketches [which then prompted me to buy the ticket] and he does one who's central character is

scoooooooby dooooooo....

Like Mackenzie Crooks Detectorists ....pure genius....

So for my Friday SoD
a Mackenzie Crook moment...




talking of ferris wheels
a bonus SoD from the wonderful...

I am .....

It's official..... Tutankhamun is from.....Norfolk

.... with my next trip to Cairo all lined for sometime in the next couple of weeks, I saw with interest the BBC trailer for their Tutankhamun the truth uncovered, on Sunday night.... I like a bit of Tut and thought it would give me something to speak about with my Egyptian colleagues when I meet up with them once more.....

To be honest there has been plenty written about King Tut..... I mean only a year ago it was being speculated that he died chariot racing..... but now that great seeker of truths.... the BBC delivered up the latest findings...... he didn't die in a chariot ride.... apparently he wouldn't have even been able to ride a chariot with his club foot......

But the greatest of revelations..... who were his mother and father ? ..... well it seems that DNA shows his father is Akhenaten and his mummy was the younger lady..... but whooooa..... turns out that according to the same DNA testing.....Akhenaten and the younger lady were ........ brother and sister.....

So Tutankhamun's mummy was not only his mummy but also his auntie....... a plot good enough for any episode of Middle Eastenders.......

But by the end of the BBC program I was left with the feeling that there had been so much speculation that it may well have come under the listings of soap operas rather than serious documentary..... somehow on reflection....I don't think I will be discussing the parental predilections of King Tuts Mummmy and Daddy when I visit Cairo next.

I was also left with the feeling..... why did the BBC bother ?..... but what I do know is...... when I stood in front of King Tut's gold burial mask in the Cairo Museum, I knew I was looking at one of the most beautiful man made things I have ever seen in my life.....

So my message to the BBC is.... she's ain't your muthver.... I am.... cue drums.....

But should it turn out that
the younger lady is the mother of King Tut 

and she is the sister of Akhenaten 

who should be the father of King Tut

There is only one song of the day for it

welcome to Norfolk....

Be my Coo Ca Choo ........

Alvin Stardust

1942 - 2014

Fab........ Just fab

Sitting on the Edge......

... I never realised until today 

that the real name of the 

U2 guitarist

The Edge

is ...... David Evans....

I once sat on a David Evans bench

Cancer is ..... as ever..... still shit... all she wanted....

was to be with her family at christmas one more time....

Less than a fortnight ago, there she sat on the sofa looking the picture of health.... a beautiful crop of white hair........ she radiated all things good .....

It's not about the fact she is famous that makes the story of her passing sad..... it's the nature of her passing that makes cancer shit......

As she said..... nobody can choose when they can die, non of us do really, not truthfully we don't.....

But her choice was a simple one, her expectations meek.......and yet she was denied it...... by the shit that is cancer.....

Funny thing was, last week I spoke to someone for the first time for ages and she asked me how my wife was..... and the reality was I was stymied, I didn't actually know how to answer that question.

More than 2 years after I tried sucking a lemon.... time moves on but the pain[s] remain..... I could have just answered......and said....shes great thanks.... but look at Lynda Bellingham....she looked great....

I was in a way, taken aback by the question....simply because it was so kind of the person to remember.... it wasn't like we are close.... I was only ringing her, for her to book me a flight to Cairo.....

There were lots of choices of answers I could have given ......

1. She's alive
2. She's still receiving treatment
3. She is a cancer survivor
4. She is physically well but the scars remain
5. She is physically well but emotionally
6. She's great, thanks for asking

......... and quite honestly the list is endless...... but the truth...... the truth ? .....

I don't honestly know ........

I think the reality is......

 non of us ever really know

at 5:21 Lynda Bellingham said

it would be very embarrassing if I don't die

people will think I made it all up

to sell the book

she laughed

the interviewers laughed

I laughed...

what you got mate ?........ a corvette.....

Not only does Toby Jones offer up the wonder that is Neil Baldwin, we now see him in the Detectorist ....... a delightful gentle comedy written and staring Mackenzie Crook.

Tucked away on Thursday nights on BBC4, this knocks any of the main stream programs into a cocked hat.

Like all good comedy with a bitter sweet edge, when the actors make the characters real, when it makes you 'care' about what happens to the characters.... then you know you are hooked to the series......

The two lead actors, Toby Jones and Mackenzie Crook play the parts with such panache, who doesn't know a Lance or Andy in their life.

What makes the program even more wonderful, is that it is set in the world of metal detectoring, and instead of taking the p!ss, the beauty is.......it doesn't .....

it just makes you SvL.

For my Friday SoD**

I didn't need to 

dig deep.....

what ya got ? ........

matchbox car....

chevrolet corvette....

how in god's name does that get into
the middle of a field in Essex ?

** arseholes at the BBC.....

so it will have to be.....

 

God bless you my son.... it's Friday once more.....

on any desert island, 

even on a Friday 

it pays to have a little faith

.... so how about the gospel

 according to the.....

Grey Reverend

A naked lady for my Friday desert island .....

..... disc

...... now I must stress....... it has nothing what so ever to do with the fact that she is naked..... but not heard this song for ages..... but what a great rousing Friday desert island disc.....

So if you are out there

Thank you....
yes you...

...... and Alanis.... put some clothes on me duck
before ya catch ya death of cold....

Absolutely bloody marvellous......

.... it's bit of a cliché to say there's always shite on the telly, but in truth there is....and then just very occassionally.... only once in a blue moon...... and a program comes on and you think......

Marvellous....... 

absolutely bloody marvellous......

Well that happened last night BB2 9pm. In the dirge of current news, up pops a real life, truely true story about a man.... an ordinary man.... but actually Neil Baldwin is no ordinary man.....

Nello is a legend 

in his own lifetime

The program was done in the form of a Biopic......  but with real life interjects...... Toby Jones portrays the man wonderfully but without self indulgence.....

As I was watching, I kept getting a flash of Forrest Gump, but every time kept telling my self in my head........ no no noooooo he's not Forrest Gump............ he is real and he just came across as a wonderful human being...... Then you kept getting this hint of 'learning difficulties' and you had to keep stopping yourself..... this guy does not have learning difficulties.... this guy has worked it all out....whilst the rest of us fumble around in the dark.....

The great Manchester United star player, Lou Macari.......  

why are you always so happy Nello ? ......

because I tell myself to be happy.....came the honest reply..... 

This is not a story about football, this is a marvellous story about a man who loves football.

Why the BBC put this out at 9pm in the garden shed of BBC2 is beyond me..... this should be prime time viewing and I defy anyone to watch it and not admit what a marvellous human being Neil Baldwin is.

As at the time of this posting, it is still available on iPlayer and you could do a lot worse than invest 90 minutes of your life and watch it.... you'll be sick as a parrot if you don't and over the moon if you did......

All good things are wild, and free

Following the theme of what's between your legs......

well men have outies.....

women have innies.....

and the cyclist

Robert Forstermann

one can only guess .....

maybe he has a ding-a-ling ?

Grammar can be quite important I suppose.....[postscript]

... I never really see myself as a skilled wordsmith..... my tiping is shut.... my spilling is rubesh and I reelly mist learn to porff read much butter..... but there are times when it is important to get the right words perfect.....

Imagine a woman had a board man between her legs...... this would conjure up a whole host of notions, not least of which she would be thinking that she had lost her mojo.....

If it was man who had a board man between his legs...... well I know we live in enlightened liberal times, but you would still be thinking.....erm erm ..... things in the down stairs dept not all that they should be.....

So when I say I have a board man between my legs I need to make sure I get it right and put in the right words and meaning..... so when I say I have a board man between my legs* .... it's not so much as a man who is board but a boardman..... a team carbon boardman that is ..... and I am chuffed to buggery I have a boardman between my legs.....

 

I don't claim to be a great officinado on bikes and there are many out there who will tell you there are much better bikes than a Carbon Fibre Boardman racing bike, but for a variety of reasons this bike is a perfect choice to make.

For a starters, it is cheaper than cheese. Per kilogram it is 1/7th the price of donkey cheese plus you can buy it on the Halfords ride to work scheme at the maximum limit of £1,000 for the scheme. There are other R2W schemes other than Halfords.

But what other product do you know, [leaving all promotional discounts aside] that you walk into a shop and the assistance says yes sir that will cost £1,000 and then when you get to the checkout you only have have to give him £680. [It doesn't quite work like that, but it's the same effect]

Essentially that's how the R2W scheme works and it is brill. You need your employer to agree to sign up first, but as I own the company that was a piece of piss.

I had already planned to buy a Carbon Boardman second hand via ebay, and I was amazed how many new unused ones there were for around £800. 1 seller had claimed he had gone into halfords and bought a £1,000 bike on a whim and the next day decided he wouldn't ride it so was looking to sell it for £800..... yeah right.... who buys a £1,000 bike on a whim !

But when I looked into the R2W scheme operated by Halfords it was simple. The Company registers for the scheme. The employee applies to the employer for a bike. The company buys the bike and the employee buys it from the company out of his wages over a 12 month period.

But and this is the brill bit....... the employee buys it income tax and NI tax free. So instead of spending £1,000 out of his wages on a bike the government allows him to keep the tax on that amount and he only has to pay £680 for the bike...... so actually the bike was cheaper new....... than me buying off some ebay knob and now it is only 9.67% the price of donkey cheese.....

And it is a fab bike on which to ride to work to...... added to which I get this sort of scenery on my drive ride to work.

but remember

if you are going to have a board man

make sure you get the right sort of 

boardman

always use the right grammar

today I am using

London

* they really are my Dorothy shoes

[postscript.... a few days after posting this I thought of course...... 

another great SoD to accompany this post]

who else but the great Iggy

I bet he likes cycling

It is a kind of saying good-bye I suppose.......

.... I posted before about saying good bye to someone you know you will  never see again.... even though you and they will still continue to walk the same earth....

But funerals are different..... you are sort of saying good-bye....... but in a way it's too late.

So there I sat...... this time last week, in Mansfield.......listening to a saddened brother giving a very moving tribute to his older sister, given in Mandarin.... I didn't have a clue what he said, but like listening to a sad song, sung in a foreign language, you [I] just seem to understand.

As her brother gave his address...... I was sat square in front of him, and at the end he just stood there not knowing what to do next, I looked at him and he looked at me...... there was an acknowledgment.... and you could sense he didn't want to be saying this goodbye, not in Mandarin, not in English, not in any language....

Afterwards, as I left the funeral, I gave him my support for the way he spoke movingly about his sister..... I don't think he had a clue what I was saying.... but his other elder sister translated for me.

Of course we should never have met at all, he lives in China and I in Suffolk and yet 2 strangers brought together in Mansfield..... I say we should never have met, simply because his sister should never have died.... she was but a couple of months away from her 52nd birthday.... but she didn't die at god's hands..... she died because in a moment of madness, some evil fuckwit stabbed her but once and that is all it took to take away that life....

She was beautiful.... a kind caring, intelligent wonderful human being.......who has left this life far too soon.

But it was not just her brother and sister left bereft, there was/is my cousin, her husband..... who not only lost his wife to this terrible act but it was he who discovered her body..... what do you say to a man who has suffered this loss ?...... I didn't know what to say..... so as 2 middle aged men, I hugged him and beckoned him to stay strong.....

But it was not just her husband who suffered this loss too...... there was/is her 2 teenage daughters.... this is not what they should have to remember for the rest of their lives..... It is bad enough them losing their mum so prematurely....but in this manner...... what do you say to them ?

I was honest, I said to them I didn't know what to say for their loss..... it is never right for a middle aged man to hug a teenage girl....not these days...... I hugged them both and told them they had our love.

That's the thing with funeral's you are never sure what you should say.... for my dad's it was easier.... the words were etched in my heart.... I just had to find the courage to get them out in front of his family and friends.... it was not easy but as I stood next to his coffin I am glad I did......

And so after the funeral I said my good byes to the people there, many of whom were strangers to me.... thinking this was likely the last time I would speak/see many of them again..... I had almost completed the drive to my home in suffolk.....when up flashed my cousins name on the mobile.....

I stopped the car and as we spoke, he told me how when he had got home from his wife's funeral, the hospital had rung him.... to tell him his mother had died in the past hour.......

So it is, I find my self heading back for the funeral of my Auntie..... 

my god mother..... 

my cousins mum, 2 teenage girls grandmother....... 

I am sure I will still not know what to say to them when I get there....